I loved the Alone In the Dark games, despite the fact that I only ever played the freeware versions and was always killed by some sort of zombie thing (I think? I was five!). Either way, Ewe Boll took my childhood memory and put it to film. Going in, I wondered if Christian Slater could save it.

And the answer is yes; Slater brings Edward Carnby, former Bureau 713 agent and paranormal investigator, to life. The action sequences are video-game-esque and perfect: they’re unrealistic, fantastic and fun. The lead-ins to most of the entertaining scenes are, however, drawn-out and tired. They spend a lot of time trying to explain the back-story to why everything is happening in an almost too verbose manner.

Upside: Tara Reid is in it. She’s hot and she plays some sort of scientist chick. I think that combined with her smokey, raspy voice is even hotter. I’m easily tricked though.

The suspense builds nicely along with the awkwardly interesting plot, despite the annoying narration that comes and goes as it pleases. Then it goes from ‘oh, there are scary things in the dark’ to matching the more gruesome scenes in Alien. Upside? You get to listen to Tara Reid’s sexy voice throughout it all.

It satisfies most video-game requirements without the succumbing to the stage, mini-boss, next-stage, boss routine that ruined films like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. It does keep the varying puzzles, battles with incomprehensibly strong creatures, and nicely timed help. Things fall into place nicely. Then again, there is a bit of intrigue where there just could have been a bit more action and achieved the same effect.

I could almost call it video-game noir if it had a better sound-track, which is disappointing to say the least, if only for its inconsistency. It randomly shifts between generic action-movie BS to Dead Can Dance (I’m guessing ancient tribal was the aim) instrumentals to random, lame butt-rock. Some scenes just seem rather out of sync with the rest of the movie. The obligatory sex-scene is brief and pointless (and if you want to see Tara Reid’s tits, this ain’t the movie for you). One character gains and loses a Boston accent depending on whether or not he’s being loud (it’s not Slater, though).

Basically, it’s a fun flick, but not terribly intense or complex. Good for a lonely night at home if you’re tired of porn or if you’d like to sit around with your buddies and take a drink every time Slater grimaces and/or says something witty despite an obvious danger.

3/5

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4. Movie Review: The Mutant Chronicles (2008)
5. Movie Review: The Happening