Going to a whorehouse to cuddle isn’t a funny prank. I makes you a faggot (which is not to be confused with homosexual, thank you; I think it’s more of a sexually-frustrated douchebag. I should also note that none of my gay friends either appreciate or condone my use of the word. Which is fine, because I don’t use it in reference to gays. Just weirdo heteros.). Satisfaction can come from many sources.

Which makes sense though, because a relationship has two major elements to it: the physical and the emotional. Prostitutes and Therapists. Or AA meetings. Whatever you prefer, man.

I will make an analogy out of this: A man walks into a pizza parlor and offers to pay $5 to sit and smell the pizza (and talk) for an hour, rather than eat.

Doesn’t make much sense, now does it? If you want someone to talk to, or are in some need of some desperate affirmation that real people exist outside of your circle of friends, go out and meet some new people. Try speed-dating.

Not that I’ve never had a conversation with a whore, mind you; I also had the sex, though. In that situation, it’s like a neatly wrapped relationship that lasts for however long it is agreed upon. Sweet Mary, mother of Jebus, it’s like an Oreo cookie of human interaction!

Sitting on the edge of the bed, smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer, talking; the stress is outside of my body, floating in the air. I can smell her sweat. I feel her heat. I know the feeling of her hair in my hands, the sounds she can make, the way the small of her back becomes cool with sweat and how the crook of her neck gets hot. She shows me pictures of her children and tells me about them. She is the most human person I have ever encountered in my life and, man, can she suck a dick.

“Of course I love you,” she says, “that’s my job.”
“Well, I just paid for the sex,” I reply. I make eye-contact and break it as quickly as I can, staring at her exposed vagina.
“You know,” her voice dropping a bit, “it sure would make me feel better if you’d just play along.”

And I did.*

*Excerpt from some unfinished short story sitting here on my computer.

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2. ever have the feeling
3. today was rainy and quiet
4. Avast! Today I be pillaging booty!