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Echoes and Mirrors» Blog Archive » Silence! I will explain a bit of my life to you, wonderful plebs!

Silence! I will explain a bit of my life to you, wonderful plebs!

My cable went out for most of last week, leaving me without the distraction of the internet. I actually managed to get some reading done. I also got out of the house more. I met some very interesting people and interacted with a few I hadn’t seen in a while.

The way people see me and the way I see myself have never really been the same. And when they tell me what they think of me, I get this weird sense of leading a phoney life.

Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study or what external proof they may have of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced internally they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are actually frauds. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.

I am manipulative and intelligent. And a hell of a fun guy. But it’s not me.

Also, I need to start smoking again to balance my damn emotions, I think. The lack of nicotine is wrecking my ability to act like I’m not schizophrenic. Maybe tomorrow I’ll pick it up again.

I found my passport the other day, tucked away in the glove compartment of my car. It’s been renewed and lacks any stamps. I have the memories and can recommend good restaurants in places you’ve never heard of, but I can’t advertise it or sneakily leave it laying around my bedroom to be stumbled upon. My foreign birth certificate and box full of survival gear will have to suffice. Shakespeare said something along the lines of Life is a stage and we are all actors playing our parts. I never see myself as more than a supporting role – but who is the star of this play?

Seneca said, “Life’s like a play; it’s not the length but the excellence of the acting that matters.” Which goes back to the whole seize the day, enjoy every moment as best you can deal. In order to make portions of our life seem grand, don’t we need something to contrast them to? Misery and melancholy, or at least sadness and unpleasantness would seem to be absolutely necessary. I’m in one of the happiest segments of my life to date, right now, and I suspect that if I hadn’t been in some rather shitty places before now, it wouldn’t mean fuck-all to me.

Also, gauging a girl’s reaction to the word cunt has got to be one of the easiest qualifiers of all time. Having dated both women who would say it more often then me and those who would display embarrassing amounts of offense to the very utterance, it seems to be a good way to separate the feminazis from the feminine.

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